m-i-a

no, not 'missing in action'. LOL! but Miami. i am jonesing for some sand between my toes and a margarita! working on this presentation at work has my brain fried and i am ready for a trip to the beach. hmmmmmmmmm, would love to move back to Florida, maybe next year? i like it here, but i miss the ocean and the laid back lifestyle...i guess we'll see. ;)

my mood today is substantially better. it's funny, sometimes we try to hold onto people/places/things/jobs that we *know* to be unhealthy. that is when God removes them from our lives. seems like i forgot that. maybe that is why people stay in dead end relationships, jobs with no chance of advancement, and areas where they hate to live. since we get one shot at it, maybe it's time to reach outside the comfort zone a bit and take some more chances.

this weekend should be good. hubby is coming into town and i have a few cool events (bday party for some a gym friend and Family Day at work) to keep us busy. maybe there will be time to catch a movie, there's a few that i wouldn't mind seeing.

life is good. good is life.

i am planning to start Pilates. my waist is small (26"), but i'd like to lose about 2" i think. ;) hey, why not??? :) i'm considering a hair cut, but i want to let my hair grow out...i think i just have that spring fever urge for a change...or maybe it's the allergy meds. hahahahhahahhahaaha

i have a meeting next week with an art director to critique my portfolio. i'm looking for some more modeling gigs, so it's time to revamp the book a bit. a trip to Dallas/Chicago to scout around would be fun as i've never been...ahhhhhh, the possibilities of Spring...

let it go

i'm back from a wonderful trip to Vegas. despite the windy weather on the last day of my vacation, it was a fun time. i even managed to squeeze in a shoot on the desert, so that was a good experience. will definitely have to get out that way again when it's a little warmer. i didn't lose any money gambling, but i didn't really win any either, so i'm a happy camper. :)

i got home, talked to some friends and family, and am trying to get ready for another long work week. but in the interim, i let something that bothered me fester to the point of wanting to SCREAM! part of me is angry that i put myself in the position to begin with, part of me is angry that i didn't succumb to the 'hood element' and teach a lesser chic a lessen, and part of me is really pleased that i didn't sacrifice my livelihood/career over something so stupid...

i initially told myself that i was over an 'issue' that occurred the weekend before this one, but it still bothers me still. sooooo, rather than give myself an ulcer being irritated, i felt that it was a good idea to just do an open letter and get it off my chest. :)

Dear Insecure Reptilian Freak Bitch (yes, YOU, nutjob!!!):

It was never my intention to get into a hate relationship with you, but that seems to be what you want. It was my fault; I tried to hard to be friends with you because I became friends with your man first. That was a waste of time and energy, no big deal!

MAYBE, just maybe, you should check your man before getting into an argument with me. I don't want him. I am MARRIED. If I weren't, I still would not want his weak ass, look at how he lets YOU treat him? It's not my fault that he feels like he needs to tell me all of your business. It's not my fault that he tells me all of your head case issues and how you aren't handling your business or fullfilling his needs...It's not my fault that he valued my friendship enough that we have lunch and hang out all the time.

It's not my fault that he made the effort to come over to me so many times during the party...maybe if you put forth some effort to look less like a f--g troll, you could have held his attention. That is some weak s--t to have him send me home DRUNK when you knew I came to the spot by myself. But now, I'll admit, it IS funny. He worships you, (I have no clue why), and all you can do is worry about me. You are all he talks about. I think he likes having you wear his balls around your neck. It's not my fault! I thought he and I were friends but he made it clear didn't he? I could hold a grudge, but neither of you are worth it, or my time.

I find it really funny that you thought jumping in my face and trying to start a fight (what are we, like 12???) would solve your intimacy issues. I find it real funny that you think it diminished ME in any way. Sorry, bitch, but here's a news flash. MEN FIND ME ATTRACTIVE. I don't have to actually DO anything. And I have a good heart, which is why they feel it necessary to confide in me. I will not apologize for that. I decided that night that I didn't want to go downtown to meet the Police for kicking your ugly, frigid ass. I have too much to lose. You, on the other hand, need to fight for someone who NO ONE WANTS BUT YOU.

But, do know this. If you or your punk ass man are reading this right now, THAT POSTERING WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Because next time, the woman you falsely accuse just may STOMP YOUR ASS OUT. Consider yourself lucky, and consider yourself warned. Karma's a bitch...the next girl may have much less to lose.

Finally, the divorce rate is high when the 2 people don't WANT to be MARRIED. I think you should figure out how to treat a man and how to get married before you pass judgement on me. Besides, I would give your marriage (assuming the idiot proposes before you reach 30 next year) about 6 months at best. He has a wandering eye and can't even be trusted (according to you and your equally useless friends) with you in the SAME DAMN ROOM. Geeeeeeeez, maybe you need to hear some stories of what he does/says when you AREN'T around? Naaaaaaaw, it's not my problem to help you or him out. He is dead to me now, and you are simply a nuisance. Soon, your plan should play out and he will have no friends, only you, and you can sell your house and move in with him and control him from the comfort of his former living room! I mean, it's the least he can do after your silly ass chased him across country with NO RING and moved 5 DOORS DOWN, right??? I'm glad I didn't have to work that hard to get a man. :)

Yes, it's personal. It's out of my system now. Touch me or step to me again and ...well, no need for threats. I think you wanted to find out! :) You're already in your own HELL. I am blessed and highly favored. I only ask forgiveness for my anger toward you and pray that you are removed from my life. You WILL GET YOURS. :)

Sincerely,
NOT THE ONE TO BE TRIFLED WITH. :)

What if God was one of us?

I know I've not posted in MONTHS, but I figured today was a good reason to resume...

Have you ever wondered, "What if HE were one of us?".

Well, this morning, running late getting up, I walk the dog, shower, get ready as usual. I come bolting outside again (to head to work) to a steady rain…this frustrates and annoys me as I am fighting with purse, umbrella, keys and Instant Breakfast container to get into my truck. I am just settling in, complaining to myself about how bad the rain sucks and wishing it would stop, etc., when I hear someone yelling to me from my passenger side. Confused, I do a scan to see who it is, and wondering if there is something behind me that I'm about to hit, or something? It is an old Black woman, dripping with rain, begging for a ride to the bus station. So, though I was hesitant, I figured I would do the 'Christian thing' and take her…besides, though it would be a pain, the truck was insured and I didn't see anyone with her, and I figured I could leap and run if I had to…!

Turns out, she is my neighbor, same building, the transmission died on her car, so she'd been taking the bus, but she overslept this morning and it was already 5 mins till 7:00, and the bus comes at 7am, it was too far to walk in the rain. She said that she had said a prayer that someone would help her!

So, I took her to the bus stop and got to work about 15 mins later than planned. I was worried until my coworkers told me that my boss is out on vacation today through next week!

Funny thing is, this is right after last night when I got lost on the way to casting call! Stopped at a stoplight, I rolled down the window to ask a guy for directions. Not only did he help me, but he took me RIGHT to the building! I thanked him profusely, and gave him $5 for his trouble, which he said he would give to his son at home. :)

I am truly blessed and highly favored, and it felt really good to help others. I am not, generally speaking, OVERLY trusting, so it has renewed some of my faith in others that both of these events occurred less than 12 hours apart and that I was unharmed…

HE is good, all the time. Even when I get so hung up on the mundane and forget. :( I think we tend to forget how fortunate we are. I'm whining about walking to MY VEHICLE in the Atlanta metro downpours, and here is a woman who appears to be almost my Grandma's age having to struggle with the CITY BUS. At least my Grandma in DC has my uncle, aunt, cousins to bring her things, but this poor lady has HERSELF and no choice but to deal. Makes me feel humbled by my blessings...

Reflect.........

...another one of those surveys

well, since my homegirl just emailed this to me and i think these are cute, here's yet another survey. feel free to post your own answers too. :)

1. What time did you get up this morning 7:30 (darn allergy meds!)
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? National Treasure
4. What is your favorite TV show? SITC, ANTM, Desperate Housewives
5. What did you have for breakfast? Protein bar, water, and a Pear
6. What is your middle name? ---
7. Favorite cuisine? Italian or Japanese
9. What is your favorite crisp flavor? Gala apples
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Jill Scott - Words & Sounds, Vol II
11. What kind of car do you drive? BMW
12. Favorite sandwich? Turkey, cheddar cheese, romaine lettuce, beefsteak tomatoes, mayo on Arnold's health nut bread and a dill pickle wedge!
13. What characteristic do you despise? Fakeness, closedmindedness, bitchiness
14. Favorite item of clothing? Sweatshirt or black pants
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Paris, Milan, London, in that order
16. What color is your bathroom? beige
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Bebe
18. Where would you retire to? South Miami Beach
19. Favorite time of the day? 1 minute after leaving work for the day
20. What was your most memorable birthday? When I got my first car, and moved to Florida
21. Where were you born? NC
22. Favorite sport to watch? Football
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? N/A
24. Person you expect to send it back first? N/A
25. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide
27. Are you a morning person or a night person? night
28. What is your shoe size? 10
29. Do you have any pets? 1 dog
30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family &
friends? I'm doing a test shoot for a fitness magazine and just signed with a modeling agency
31. What did you want to be when you were little? Artist or veterinarian
32. What are you doing today? Engineer and part-time model

do you...cuz, I'ma do me...

Happy New Year! Wow, another one down, a new one begun, where does the time go? I'm feeling really good about this new year, a fresh beginning, a chance to start again...

I heard a song over the holiday break from work and thought it's message important. "Do you, cuz ___, I'ma do me". I let that settle for a few minutes...hmm, that's good advice! So, I decided to add it to my list of resolutions for the new year. Now, lots of ppl make resolutions, and have no intention of actually keeping them. I like to keep them obtainable and realistic, goals keep you focused.

So, here goes the short list:
1) I'MA DO ME: This means making a real effort to care less about the stupid that others do. It's a lot less stressful to worry about ppl who don't care about you, the mentally and socially defunct, etc than it is for me to continue worrying about how they feel. Not to say I plan to be callous, but that I refuse to expend the energy being negative about NOTHING. :)

2) RESPECT ME FOR MY MIND!: The year has started off well here at work. I closed out the year by finishing an unpleasant, though necessary assignment. This frees me up to work on my other projects, which are higher profile, more challenging, and therefore, more interesting to me. I've been tapped to help out with work on some other programs, so that will give me more exposure within the company. And in this age of layoffs, etc, it never hurts for lots of managers to know your name and request your work. This is the year that I churn out some good products and gain more respect amongst the ranks.

3) CAMERA WH**E: Those who know me well are aware that I LOVE taking pictures. While this is fun, I haven't made any real $$$ from it due to laziness and lack of direction. So, I was overjoyed when approached by a modeling agency! 2005 is the year for me to take it more seriously since it's been a passion of mine for about 10 years now... I already have a magazine test shoot set up, as well as a shoot for a local boutique. It's going to take some heart, but I don't believe in failure. To date, I could always blame it on lack of trying. This year, it's do or die, I'm going for it!

4) BUILDING THE BODY BEAUTIFUL: Last October, I looked in the mirror. While I am a slim girl (always have been), I notice that I now have to pay some attention to what I eat. Due to lack of regular workouts, I was tired, cranky, stressed, and most importantly, lacked definition. So, I hired a personal trainer. Now, he's a little evil at times, but the work is paying off! Thanks to him, I am getting back in shape. My abs look incredible, and my back and shoulders are cutting very nicely. My legs feel strong, and when did I get biceps??? I'm so pleased with the results as is he that he's giving me discounted sessions to keep working with him! I've been telling whoever will listen about him because I'm now psyched about fitness and look forward to the gym. This is the best shape I've ever been in, and I'm now working on getting assignments as a fitness model in addition to editorial/lifestyle work. My first magazine test shoot is this week, whoooooooooohooooooooo!

5) WOMAN CAN'T LIVE BY FASHION MAGS ALONE: For someone with a Master's degree and 2 semesters of credits towards a Ph.D. in Mech Engrg, I sure don't read often! I remember that in undergrad, I enjoyed reading, and not just fiction, but autobiographies, technical journals, and poetry. Since then, I notice that all I read are things with glossy pages and perfume inserts! LOL! I do read the newspaper on Sundays, but gone are the days when I would spend hours reading anything remotely educational. I guess that since I've finished school, I read only to perform my job and to advance my career. So, I'm going to hit Borders and buy an actual BOOK, something other than a trashy romance novel, and commit to doing so every other month. Gotta feed the noodle... :)

So, there you have it. My short list of resolutions. My faith is as strong as ever, I just need to stay more diligent in remembering to count my blessings and be humble. I don't need a resolution for that, but maybe I should've added "Pray for the less fortunate" into that list.

Here's to a wonderful, prosperous year of getting all that we need and some of what we want.
--Zoe

...everything can't be roses and daisies...

so, today is a new day! yesterday was not a bad day at work, and i'm actually in a pretty good mood despite the bone numbing cold....it's getting off to an okay start, and i've got a few things to get done before lunch.

i had a great photoshoot last night, that ALWAYS cheers me up. it's a new photographer (this was my 2nd shoot with him) and another student (female) from his class. she has such an eye for this! i told her she should do well as there are a lot of guys in the city

my workout on Monday night was tough, and it's hard to be in a bad mood when every muscle in your body is SCREAMING! my trainer is such a sadist -- he likes it when little tears form in the corners of my eyes while lifting. i wonder what that makes me since i PAY him to do this to me? :)

i always try to stay busy because it keeps my mind occupied. this weekend should be a busy one. happily, i'm off from work this Fri, so i'm going to do a shoot that morning, come home, have a hard workout, then relax with my dog and watch some movies... Sat, there are 2 big parties to attend as well as a fashion show (guess i'll have to prioritize). i'm really glad to have something fun to do!

anyway, thanks for reading.

the initial ramblings

so, today, i decided to start a blog. nothing special, just a chance to vent some frustration i feel right now. i'm unhappy with several aspects of my life, but feel pretty selfish even typing this as there are ppl with REAL issues. i have my health, a good job (what does that mean, btw?) and ppl who love me. why can't that be enough? why do i always want more?

i often force myself out of the bed in the morning, not because i want to and because i'm happy about it, but because i like eating, and that means i have to go to work. not that i don't enjoy my field in general, but i am not satisfied with what i am doing. i have been fighting it for a year, but with the economy, it would be stupid to just quit w/o a plan B. i moved here for what seemed to be a sweet position, leaving husband behind in ANOTHER state, under the pretense of making more money so that we could amass some future material things that i wonder if we really NEED in the first place. this was my bright idea, so i can only be mad at myself for going into self-inflicted exile.

i'm not getting any younger. when i was in college, i decide that i would try modeling. i went from being the nerd kid in grammar school that the girls teased and the guys ignored to the slim, pretty girl others hated on. :) seriously, it was a huuuuuuuge change. i played around with it all, wasting money on classes and pictures that never amounted to much. i stopped doing it for a while, and now, alone in a new state, i decided to try again. and i've been pursuing it a lot harder now, and have found that i really do enjoy this. i feel so much freer and relaxed, and it gives me a diversion from feeling sorry for myself.

but always the realist, i have no desire to give up a SIZABLE income to chase some delusions of $$ and fame, being draped in $10K gowns and shooting ads for some huge cosmetic company. because i'm not 19. because i'm married. because i like the sure thing. because i fear ultimate failure. it seems a little silly now that i see it in print. hmmm. i guess i have something to reflect upon for the New Year.

if i hadn't moved so much (since being pre-18), i've not lived anywhere for more than 3 years at a time, maybe i could develop (and maintain) friendships. i guess my personality does not lend itself to being that type of girl. if i were rich, i'd be ecletic. :) many ppl don't "get me", and i have to decide if it's worth the effort to explain. i tend to flip between a mood of being sullen and a mood where i am the social butterfly, always on stage. i have a girlfriend who suffers from depression. sometimes i wonder if the only difference b/n her and me is that she is medicated and my moods (if i should call them that) are always temporary.

i realize that my style of writing is what some might think of as "stream of consciousness". i submit that it is likely mild schizophrenia. :) at least i can laugh about it and accept that it is what it is. and i'm not hurting anyone. well, i wonder, except maybe myself...